Personal Stories
Louise’s Story
A VAD Story *
To whomever may be interested.
Choosing VAD was an easy decision for myself once I was satisfied with the research I had done. Having an option to die with dignity whenever that may suit me is a gift, a precious gift I am eternally grateful for.
As it has turned out, once my pain and discomfort had begun, dying for me right now has been slow and drawn out and will continue to be this way until a natural death will occur.
Even though I am taking pain relief medication for the pain and discomfort I am experiencing, I still have many other ailments that are present making everyday life a struggle/uphill battle.
From my perspective, I have very little if any quality of life left.
If I choose to take more pain relief medication the drowsier ad more nauseous I become (I seem to be extra sensitive to pain relief medications) not forgetting to mention the bowel issues that arise from taking the pain relief medication, which in turn means taking more supplements to try and balance this issue out.
Most days I struggle with breathlessness, a heavy compressed chest, sleeplessness during the night even thought I feel absolutely exhausted, headaches, cold hands and feet, body chills, light headedness, weak, fatigue, metallic taste in my mouth, leg cramps, bloating, sharp liver pain, inflamed liver causing other organs to be squashed, stomach pain, nausea, one blurring eye, sensitive skin to touch, tender cancerous lesions protruding from my body.
As well as the everyday mental struggles going on inside my head, knowing I’ll be leaving my family behind and how much pain they will be in once I’m gone.
They are currently watching me deteriorate at a slow pace which must be so difficult for them to witness, something I do not want them to see any longer.
I have begun to rely on W to do more for me, something I am also not comfortable with. I have cried many rivers of tears over these anguishes.
So, the time for my end has come, my mind body and soul can no longer go on under these shit circumstances.
I have chosen my place, time and date to pass. The pressure of putting on a brave face and pretending I’m ok days are over. I have no strength left to hold in my emotions to ease those around me.
I now feel a sense of relief, a weight has lifted off my shoulders.
I am going to a beautiful place in the heavens above where there is no pain or discomfort. I look forward to feeling that warm sunshine on my skin again. Swimming in the warm ocean waters and resting under the tropical palm trees on the golden sand. I will be reunited with friends and family members who have passed. I will be in the eternal care of God and the angels above.
So for now it’s goodbye.
My dear family and friends, I’ll see you when your time is up. I’ll be waiting with open arms for a big hug upon your arrival.
* Writer’s name has been changed for privacy reasons.
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